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I made a story.

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I made a story. Empty I made a story.

Post  Random-Silhouette Mon Feb 02, 2009 3:34 pm

Random story I made. 5 chapters at the moment. >.> Extremely small chapters though lolz. Be nice no flaming if you wish to know why I am posting it here is because I posted it on other forums at the moment. If I decide to continue writing the story and you guys like it I guess I will update with more chapters.

The Redolence

Prologue
As dust settled and the wind blew silently through the night, those who had fallen to the half demon monster laid silently in dormant in the dirt. As one man rose from the dust he looked out into the seemingly endless desert ahead of him.

Chapter One (New Friends)

Doolin awoke to the sound of the townsfolk around him. He sat up on the bench and staggered his way over to a small alley way that seemed void of this sound. Reliving his past he began to pull out a cigarette from his pocket before noticing the beggar beside him who gestured for a cigarette as well. Doolin ignored his movements and lit his cigarette as he began to leave the alleyway walking down the street.

Doolin looked up at the sun momentarily as he continued to walk down the path as he walked past what seemed to be a small tavern a young boy went flying through the doors. Doolin stopped in his tracks watching as what looked like a barkeeper through a empty bottle on the ground yelling at the boy. As the boy scampered to his feet the barkeeper struck him knocking the boy down to the ground again. The boy glanced up at Doolin who was not standing far from him. “What did he do?” Asked Doolin as he looked at the barkeep. He replied back angrily. “Shut up and stay out of this.” Doolin walked up to the small boy lifting him to his feet as he pushed the barkeep backwards making him fall back through the doorway once he came.

As Doolin walked down the rugged path out of town the small boy seemed fascinated with what had happened and continued to follow him. “So where are you from?” Questioned the young boy. Doolin glanced at him momentarily and responded with a grunt. As they began to reach the outskirts of the town Doolin began to speak with the young boy. “Shouldn’t you head back to town, to your parents or something?” He asked.“I don’t have parents, I am an orphan.” The boy responded in a somewhat sad tone. As they continued to walk down a dusty trail to what appeared to be a forest Doolin spoke again. “Is there any point in me telling you to go back or not to follow me?” Doolin asked. The boy just smiled and responded. “Everyone calls me Ash”

Chapter Two (New Armaments)

As the two made their way through the forest following the dirt tracks left by others he used the similar route. They came across a small bridge that leads across a large gorge in the forest. As they approached it out jumped two dark looking figures. Ash stood there as Doolin continued to walk forward looking back at ash.

Then one of the dark figures pulled out a sword and shouted towards the two travellers “Stand right there and throw us your money and we may let you cross the bridge with your lives”. Doolin continued to walk forward while Ash stopped for a moment before running and catching up to Doolin. The dark figure yelled again this time in a tone with more anger “Stop there or..” The mysterious stranger hesitated before continuing on. “I will kill you.” He pronounced.
With that he began to charge at the travellers and his partner seemed to follow suit pulling out his own sword. When they were only footsteps away from Doolin and Ash. Doolin’s foot moved slightly as dust moved into the air and in one swift movement he winded and proceeded to knockout both of the strangers. As their bodies fell to the ground he examined both of them and looked at Ash. Doolin thinking to himself for a moment wondering what compelled children to such an act, picked up their swords and placed one inside his cloak while looking over at Ash and gesturing for him to take the sword.
Ash looked up for a moment and then shook his head no. Doolin looked at Ash and gestured one more time before telling him that he won’t always be around to protect him. With that Ash took the sword and looked down at the two other boys and bent down taking a casing and attaching it to his belt before putting the sword back.
As they continued down there path Doolin had mentioned to Ash that the weapon he gave him was in no way a sword but just a mere dagger with some length to it. As they reached a small town that seemed to be secluded in the forest Ash asked Doolin if he could teach him how to use it properly. Doolin never said a word as they began to walk into town.

Chapter Three (Persuasion of the Young)
The two sat down in a small restaurant on the edge of the town. After a young girl to their order the two sat silently as Ash fidgeted around in his chair. Just as the food arrived Ash looked at Doolin. “So where are we going?”Ash asked looking at Doolin. Doolin looked at the young boy eating his food for a moment. “We are going to find someone.” Doolin said as he himself began to eat. Ash looked at Doolin for a moment before asking him who they were looking for. Doolin peered at the young child again. “Shut up and eat.” He said as he began scoff down his food rather quickly.
After Ash had finished with his food the young girl again came out handing Doolin a small piece of paper which appeared to be the bill. As Doolin looked at it he almost doubled over at the price of it and casually handed the paper over to Ash. When Ash was handed the paper he looked at Doolin and said he had no money. Doolin leaned close to Ash and whispered in his ear for a moment. As the young girl went back up to the small counter Doolin and Ash made a run for the door. They came barrelling out of the restaurant and as they ran up the street the cook, most likely the mother of the girl ran outside the door shouting at them.
As they were running down the street ash barrelled into one of the small boys from earlier. Almost immediately the boy jumped to his feet and point at Doolin demanding he give him back his sword. Doolin merely looked at the boy for a moment as Ash got to his feet and began to walk away. As they were walking away the small boy ran up pleading with Doolin to give him back his sword. He mentioned something about the gang that controlled this town killing him if he didn’t have anything to give them. Doolin simple ignored them as he continued to walk down the road.
Out of nowhere a group of young men stood in their way and began to yell, one of them yelling at the young boy “I hope you have something for our boss or it is your head” He snarled and began to approach him. The small boy ran behind Doolin pleading for his help. Ash looked at the boy and then began to plead with him telling Doolin he has to help.
Doolin looked at Ash before looking at the group of men. “If I do will you shut up?” Doolin asked Ash. Ash nodded almost happy to know that Doolin would help. As the men approached Doolin pushed the young boys aside as one of them swung at him. Doolin then proceeded and swang his leg into the ribs of one of the men as he fell to the ground the other one swung his fist wildly towards Doolin. He merely ducked under it and brought his fist to meet the chin of him. As Doolins’ body swung around he also brought his leg up smashing his foot into the third man sending him back into a small food stand.
Doolin proceeded to walk over one of the men’s bodies before continuing down the dirt road. Ash ran up beside him almost jumping out of his skin trying to ask Doolin if he would ever teach him that. Doolin looked at Ash and reminded him that he would have to shut up now. The other small boy ran to Doolin and asked him what he should do about the rest of the gang. Doolin looked over at the boy and told him he done his job now leave him alone.

Chapter Four (The Past)
As the town became nothing more than a memory in the mind of Ash he looked up at the sky sighing at how Doolin would not help that boy out. Doolin glanced over at Ash and looked at the sky himself before heading up to a small clearing in the forest. “We will stay here tonight.”Doolin said as he looked at the surroundings. Ash nodded and sat down under a tree. Doolin glanced at Ash. “What are you doing? Get of your ass and get some firewood.” Doolin yelled at Ash plopping his body down where Ash’s was before. After Ash returned with some wood he noticed Doolin lying down. Ash yelled at Doolin for a moment and Doolin stood up looking at Ash. “You expect me to teach you how to use that dagger of yours don’t you?”Doolin said in a firm tone as Ash nodded. “Well then you do what I say” Doolin said while staring at Ash.
Doolin watching as Ash fiddles around with the dagger swinging it aimlessly with all his power. “Stop right there, you will never accomplish anything like that. The art of a swordsman is not to simply strike them with all the force you can muster up. You movements need to be fluid, swift and quick.” Doolin stands up to his feet pulling out the second dagger he had collected and begins to spin it around effortlessly around his body. Before spinning it into the air and closing his eyes. The blade spins down as Doolin stands there it falls right between his feet stabbing into the ground. “Most of all you need to be able to trust your own skill and swords with your life”
Doolin reached into his cloak pulling out what seemed to be two large cotton bags and threw them at Ash. Fill them up with some large rocks and tie there handles around the daggers handle. Then focus all of your energy in making your movement’s swift, soft, and subtle. I do not wish to see you swinging with all your might.” With that Ash vanished for a moment as he filled each bag and tied their handles to the daggers. When he picked up the dagger he almost tumbled straight over but eventually managed to gain his balance. As he made his first swing with the blade he fell straight forward crashing onto his face. “Soft, Swift, and Subtle” Repeated Doolin as he watched him slam into the ground showing a slight smile.
As the darkness fell upon the forest the fire was lit and the two travellers sprawled out on either side of the fire staring up at the sky. Ash looked over at Doolin for a moment. “So where are we going” He asked once again hoping for a different reply to last time. Doolin looked over at Ash for a moment before gazing up at the sky. “An old friend of mine, one that must die!” Doolin said with his words almost cold as ice. Ash sat up and looked at him as if asking why. Doolin glanced at Ash before returning his view to the sky. “He was my best friend and destroyed everything that ever belonged to us. Except me. Which was his mistake.” Doolin said with a tinge of anguish in his voice. Doolin sat up and looked at Ash and smiled. “That must sound kind of corny” he said in a more light hearted voice. “Get some sleep we have a big day tomorrow.” Ash laid down in the grass looking up at the moon thinking about what Doolin had just said. Doolin looked up at the sky as he laid down thinking about the man he just spoke of as he clenched his sword for a moment.

Chapter Five (The Orange Sun)

As the sun began to shine on Ash’s face through the tree line he rolled restlessly around eventually choosing to sit up he looked around and noticed Doolin standing in the clearing staring at the sun. As Ash made his way up to his feet Doolin looked over at him and walked towards him asking if he was ready to leave. Ash stood up and reached for his dagger beginning to untie the bags of rocks. Doolin looked over at Ash and told him to leave them there until he said he could remove them. Ash struggled to stand up as he lifted up his dagger and casing connecting it back up to his belt. After some complaining from Ash about how heavy the bags were they continued to make their way down the path.

After some time of trekking down the path they came to another clearing larger than the other one they had spent the night in. As Ash began to venture out Doolin jumped out forward grabbing Ash and pulling him back as a set of arrows flew out of a tree landing where Ash would have been standing. A trap Doolin said pointing out the obvious to Ash. Doolin began to draw his sword as a man came into view. “I am Mora, The Orange Sun.” The man announced as he drew his sword out revealing several orange markings on his sword that resembled a sun and its rays.
“Ash stay back” Said Doolin staring straight at the eyes of his new found opponent. As Doolin held his sword out he began to advance toward his enemy. Doolin looked at his opponent trying to work out his exact skill level knowing he is one of the former Sun Swordsmen. Mora began to laugh as Doolin advanced towards him. “If you have ever heard of the Sun Swordsmen you will know not to take me on” He laughed as he began to take steps forward towards Doolin.
“I hope you’re ready for this.” Doolin said as almost instantly flying towards Mora swinging his sword up. Mora almost laughed at Doolins feeble attempt to attack him. Mora dropped back avoiding the attack and brought his own sword up. Causing Doolin to go flying back to avoid the attack. As Doolin flew back he balanced himself. Mora smiled watching Doolin land safely before spinning his sword around. This is why I am called The Orange Sun” as his sword spun around orange flames can off it and as it levelled with Doolin and two orange fireballs appeared to come out of his blade as they went flying for him. Doolin dropped back and raised his sword blocking the fireballs as the flames spread out behind him catching onto the tree.

Doolin looked at Mora realizing he isn’t taking any warm up he gripped his sword tighter as his stance changed dramatically. As Mora took notice of this he didn’t seem to care as he charged towards him. More swung his sword wildly at him. As Doolins movements looked and seemed lazy his movements just barely dodging all of the attacks from Mora. As Mora jumped back momentarily Doolins swung his sword up releasing tiny needles from it that flew at Mora. As they flew at him Mora moved his sword releasing several move fireballs. Doolin jumped into the air twisting his body slightly avoiding the fireballs as his needles slammed into Mora’s body. Doolin pulled at his swords and the needles began to retract back into his sword pulling Mora up to him. As Mora’s body approached Doolins blade he swung his sword again only to have more needles fly into his body. When the needles rejoined back to be a part of the blade Mora’s body was pulled into the blade. “Never underestimate me” Doolin uttered as he pushed Mora’s lifeless body off his blade. Doolin took a few steps forward yelling out to Ash to come out. As Ash ran out approaching Doolin his body feel to the ground with a thud. As the fire began to grow through the forest behind him.
Random-Silhouette
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Post  Cantbeatme Tue Feb 03, 2009 9:41 pm

Why am i not there. D:

Either way, i found it interesting how Doolin can look at the sun without his eyes burning. Lack of adjectives. Ddint read off it it. Thought, it was pretty good. Daggers ftl.
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Post  Random-Silhouette Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:41 am

I look at the sun without my eyes burning. (They are called sunglasses you nubz.) I am never good with describing into great detail that is my 3rd biggest downfall. If you want CBM think of a sexy name for the story and you can be a gunslinger type guy who is nice and doesn't die.
:O

Edit: Explain " Ddint read off it it" More, unsure what you meant by that. Like because of the small amount of adjectives used made it uh... Yea no clue..
Random-Silhouette
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Post  Balddude Wed Feb 04, 2009 1:58 am

Vocabulary---8/10
Range of vocabulary was great, but is not at the highest level yet.

Content---8/10
Great imagination. Written like a true fiction short story.

Total score: 16/20
Overall, a good job. However, I think that there could be more action scenes to spice up the story, and you should go into further details for every matter in order to enhance the story.
Balddude
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Post  Random-Silhouette Wed Feb 04, 2009 2:10 am

I have a sixth chapter to it. Still failing in the whole describing department and everything becomes repetitive slightly.

Hmm how does a short erotica sound?

I may post here with permission I will not use swear words. Surprised
Random-Silhouette
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Post  Balddude Wed Feb 04, 2009 3:47 am

Random-Silhouette wrote:I have a sixth chapter to it. Still failing in the whole describing department and everything becomes repetitive slightly.

Hmm how does a short erotica sound?

I may post here with permission I will not use swear words. Surprised

A short erotica will be welcomed graciously by me! afro
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Post  Random-Silhouette Wed Feb 04, 2009 3:54 am

Already posted it. Nice and clean no evil words.

Also please stop bumping your post count anyone who decides to post on my threads without reading the story I will report with spam. <.<
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Post  Cantbeatme Wed Feb 04, 2009 10:04 pm

Random-Silhouette wrote:I look at the sun without my eyes burning. (They are called sunglasses you nubz.) I am never good with describing into great detail that is my 3rd biggest downfall. If you want CBM think of a sexy name for the story and you can be a gunslinger type guy who is nice and doesn't die.
:O

Edit: Explain " Ddint read off it it" More, unsure what you meant by that. Like because of the small amount of adjectives used made it uh... Yea no clue..

im sorry for my fat fingers.
i didnt read it all. a bit long and i hate reading.
My sexy name for the story is........
Cantbeatme. =o!!!
Or..
ParmaAteMyPie.
Or, MrPenis.
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